I wonder if I am the only person who has the thoughts that I do.
The thoughts about the state of the planet, the state of humankind, the state of the way we are. The way that I am.
One day or week I feel somewhat optimistic and hopeful. The next day or week I am feeling down. Where is the balance?
Is life as hard as we make it out to be? I certainly understand that a lot of people have things bad for whatever reason.
Let me make it very clear. I have nothing to complain about. Nothing. I have a job that pays me very well. Health benefits and a pension. I am healthy. My son is with me. I want for nothing.
So why is it that(here is the scary confession part) I have been searching the web today for “what to do to prepare for suicide”?
How’s that for a kick in the head?
I feel overwhelmed by…sadness and despair and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.
The truth is I am just tired of feeling like this. Up one day, down the next. Is this what the 30 years is going to be like?
I need to get this out as I am about ready to burst with the thoughts that are in my head. I need to know that I am not the only one that is feeling this way.
How can someone who has a very good life think this stuff? It isn’t right.
Is it the dysthymic disorder? I don’t know. I have been eating well and exercising for the past few weeks. The weather has been good so I have gotten out for some walks. I just cannot put my finger on what is causing this despair. This hopelessness.
I even feel guilty for putting this out there like this but I am not sure what else to do.
I feel shame for even thinking it.
So what do I do? One foot in front of the other for the time being. Will tomorrow be the same? I don’t know. Sometimes this feeling lasts for a few days, other times it passes in a day.
However looking up the stuff I did today on the web is not normal. I know that much.
I can barely breathe. The weight on my chest is so great.
Thanks for listening.