For the past little while, I will say maybe a year, I have been wondering what is the meaning of life?
I have always been a bit of a thinker. Wondering about my existence, why am I here, what is the point of life, etc.
But last year one of my mom’s brothers was diagnosed with cancer and given less than a year to live. Turns out they were right as he passed away this past spring.
Here was a guy that lived a good life. He was a very devout Christian, he volunteered, he and my aunt rented out rooms to university students and actually looked out for them and remained close with many of them after they had graduated.
He was just a good man.
And in the end none of that mattered.
So what is the meaning of life?
I do not consider myself to be a good man. I have done bad things in my life. I have lied. I have stolen. I have cheated. I have made self destructive decisions. Some of these things have ruined really good relationships.
I cannot answer why I made these decisions. Anything I say would be an excuse really.
I have often thought to myself that I would not be able to make a good decision if my life depended on it.
And maybe that became a self fulfilling prophecy.
I have kind of used it as an excuse for making bad decisions.
Now that is messed up.
What Lies Are We Sold?
I have always wondered if what we are “sold” by the powers that be is something of a lie. You know, go to school, get good grades, go to more school, get a job, buy a house, buy a car, buy a bunch of stuff, try to pay for it all and oh yeah save millions for your retirement. I wonder how many people are actually happy with that particular plan.
Is THAT the meaning of life? Work, struggle to get by, then die. If it is, just tell me.
There is this awesome show that I LOVE. It is a documentary about space and the cosmos and our beginnings and the universe.
It is nothing short of incredible.
The host is a real astro-physicist. Neil deGrasse Tyson is amazing. He speaks so calmly and explains things so well. I could listen to him all day.
Why do I bring this up? We share a lot of our DNA with EVERYTHING on the planet. Everything. We are all connected.
But it also seems that us being here, human life or life in general, is a fluke.
In a few years we will all be gone. I mean dead. I am not saying this to be morbid. It is just a fact. I will cease to exist. I will no longer be a person. It is a bit weird to think about. I am okay with it, but it is still strange. At least it is to me.
Am I the only one who wonders about this stuff?
So what is the point of this existence?
Yes, life is a journey. But maybe I do not know what my journey is even about.
I work in a factory processing wire that goes into tires. Sure it pays “okay”. Just enough for me to pay the bills.
Is that my meaning? My purpose? If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, would the factory shut down because I am not there?
Nope. They wouldn’t even stop for a minute. All about progress and production.
(No, I am not going to jump in front of a bus!)
There has got to be more.
Now because of some of the bad shit that I have done over the years, I am not sure that there is enough time left for me to have redemption.
Maybe, but I am not really sure.
If anyone that I have wronged happens to come across this post, please understand that I do have regret for the things that I have done.
I think about those decisions daily.
Some of you will wonder if I am happy. Do I have any joy? I don’t know.
I work. I sleep. I do try to remain active in so far as I get out for walks, and the beach and some biking and hiking. But I don’t do anything with anyone else. I have no circle of people that I hang out with. 43 year old single men who are somewhat introverted do not just go out and start socializing. That is a bit creepy.
This is my normal. And I am okay with this aspect of my life. What choice do I have?
Look, this post is the ramblings of a dim witted, stocky, bald man. I had to get this out.
What is the meaning of life?
You tell me.