Have you ever felt lonely, lost or that you were not good enough?
I certainly have and sometimes I still do. Make no mistake, my life is very good. It is a simple life and one that I enjoy. I work, make money, have a decent apartment,have amazing friends and get to do some amazing traveling.
And yet…
But when a person is on their own for extended periods of time it can start to get to you. Know what I mean? You start to question whether you are worthy of companionship. Not a full blown relationship per se. Just someone who enjoys your company and likes to do things with you from time to time. I am at the age where I don’t even know if I believe in relationships anymore. Yes I am a bit jaded.
The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. #ChangeTheCode
— Mark Lowe (@MarkKLowe) December 26, 2016
For my personally this certainly ties in with my dysthymic disorder. It manifests as low self esteem for one. Throw in very limited self confidence for good measure. I just never feel good enough.
So my question is do you know what it’s like to feel tired and weary, to feel down and feel like you have no one to talk to. I have desperately struggled with anxiety and self-confidence issues numerous times. How do you cope with these feelings of loneliness?
Irrational Thoughts?
It seems irrational at times doesn’t it? To have these thoughts. But a lot of us have them. They clutter our mind and create a feedback loop that isn’t healthy.
Things like:
- Mistakes are never acceptable. If I make one, it means that I am incompetent.
- If I am not involved in an intimate relationship, I am completely alone.
- If I do not look like a picture in a magazine I am not worthy
- Despite my achievements I am a failure
- It’s too late for me(I am 46 BTW)
- If only I was stronger, smarter, more attractive, etc
Do any of these thoughts sound familiar? These are just a few that I have! It can feel lonely, draining, and even downright hopeless sometimes. How do you motivate yourself when you feel defeated? How do you heal when you have little hope? How do you connect with others when you don’t feel the self-confidence needed to put yourself out there?
Of course perception is not reality although it can feel pretty damn real at times. It feels like I am the only person that has these feelings of loneliness and being inadequate but of course I know that isn’t true. I am sure that most people have felt feelings of exhaustion, uncertainty, anxiety, heartbreak, loneliness, and hopelessness. It still sucks though doesn’t it?
I do know better. This entire blog is about Changing The Code! It is about changing our programming in order to live a better life. But I am human and am still learning things as I go.
I know that for me I am holding onto various events and feelings from the past that still shape my perception of myself today. Jesus stuff from my adolescence for crying out loud. And of course from my failed marriage. Practicing acceptance seems elusive and I know I need to use mindfulness to help with this. It is still a hard road at times.
“Life is an adventure to be lived, not a problem to be solved.”- Einstein#MOTIVATIONMONDAY
— Mark Lowe (@MarkKLowe) December 26, 2016
I also know that I have lots of stuff to be positive about right now. I have lost 30+lbs over the past few months and I have an amazing adventure to Nicaragua planned in a few short weeks. And yet I still feel a bit empty. Why is that? I THINK it ties in with expectations. I was only down a pound this week in my weight loss so I was disgusted with that result.
When I go to Nicaragua(a solo trip) what if I don’t meet anyone to hang out with? What if I am alone while I am there? So already I am having these negative thoughts about an amazing adventure!! How ridiculous is that? But this is how my brain works at times.
There are billions of people in the world and so many of us feel lost and are craving connection. I enjoy solitude and I know that it is important for me to embrace it. But I also enjoy conversation and connecting with people. The trouble is not always in being alone; it’s being lonely in the presence of others. One can be lonely in the midst of a crowd. Wouldn’t you agree?
So this are my honest feeling feelings right now. I do not have all the answers.
But I am looking for your thoughts and comments on if you are feeling loneliness and inadequate? Are you feeling a bit lost? What are you doing about it?
Change The Code 
Hi Mark! What a great post. I think we all feel these things from time to time. I’m currently 2 semesters away from being a licensed counselor. For me, I’m a huge fan of cognitive behavioral patterns. Change your thinking, change your attitude. Easier said than done though, right?! I’m always working with my kids to develop positive inner dialogue because it shapes who we are and what we feel. When I feel lonely or inadequate, I like to exercise . Definitely helps out with the mood.
Thank you for this thought provoking post. Exspecially during the holiday season it’s easy to feel lonely. I think everyone at some point in their lives can relate to this. Brave to put this out there and I know it will help others.
i’m married and live in a city and still feel lonely more often than you’d expect! I’m learning to be comfortable with myself and even if I happen to be alone on a certain day, not believe the lie that I’m not worthy of companionship.
Yes very excellent points. Our inner dialogue is so important. I wonder how many married people feel alone.
Thank so much for commenting.
Far too many. I was married and alone for 36 years, Until, one day, I realized, I am who I can rely on. Emotionally, physically, and relationally. I like who I am. Just because he didn’t have the same opinion, doesn’t define me. It shouldn’t keep me in a prison of isolation either. So I did the unthinkable, I filed for divorce. I finished the process, and I realized that none of the horrible things I had imagined ever happened. On the contrary, I blossomed! I’ve made it my business to experience discovery, and not to place and KEEP labels on myself. I’ve realized that the only thing we can count on always being the same, is change. How’s that for ambiguity? That being said, change is not to be feared, but embraced, as it can be wonderfully good. When you are in a downward spiral, change can be the most miraculous, excellent thing you have ever experienced. I now welcome new things, where I once feared them and all they bring.
Brilliant comment. Thank you
Amazing insight into one’s own journey and that is a radical but greatly needed act of self-love. Wonderful post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this subject matter. Many people need to learn to cope with being alone.
Thank you so much for saying that. Sharing how I feel is a form of therapy perhaps so I certainly do hope that others can benefit from it.
Oh I really enjoyed this post thanks for sharing and helping people xx
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting
I’m feeling completely loneliness, no way to live happily
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I have felt it as well. I am fortunate in that I know that the feeling will pass. I allow myself to feel it. I do not try to bury the feeling with mindless activities.
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