“Wherever you go, there you are.”
I want to start over. I need a new life. I want to go somewhere far away.
I cannot shake this desire I have of selling everything and starting over. I have blogged about it before.
I have mentioned many times that I have a great life. I really do. But there is just something about starting over that appeals to me.
I realize that this is probably due to a number of different factors such as
- my Dysthymic disorder
- various negative emotions that I deal with
- getting older
- wanting to live a more simple life
- being tired of the bullshit
There are probably more reasons that i think that selling everything and starting over would be “better”. In my head I know that the “grass is always greener on the other side”. But my heart just cannot seem to let go of this idea.
I Feel That Stuff Is A Burden
I live in a smallish 2 bedroom apartment. It is nice and ridiculously affordable. I don’t really have too much stuff compared to most people. But I still feel that the stuff I still have is a burden. It weighs me down. I would love to get a dumpster and just toss most of it but of course that would be wasteful.
Maybe just continuing to declutter and get rid of things will help alleviate this desire to leave. Maybe.
I Feel Stuck
Make no mistake. I know that feeling “stuck” is my own doing. I have made certain choices that have led me to where I am right now. And where I am isn’t bad at all. It is just a bit stagnant I guess. I could make changes to spice things up of course and I will explore this as Winter moves into Spring. But making a clean break and starting over in a completely new place is much more appealing. A dream perhaps, but appealing nonetheless.
A Simple Life
I love the internet. The ability to learn about anything is incredible. Last night I was researching the history of language. It was fascinating. But I know that I spend too much time looking at a screen. Could I do without it? Could starting over somewhere else and living a life without being online actually work? Just reading books and hiking and sitting quietly in nature. I love the idea of living a simple life.
Couldn’t I do this now? Yes and no. As a substitute teacher I can only see available jobs via an online system. So if I want to work on any given day I need the internet.
Of course I should read more and sit in nature but when you are used to your routine it can be hard to make this habits stick.
So what is holding me back from taking the big leap of getting rid of everything and taking off?
What Is Holding Me Back?
It’s inspiring to pore over travel blogs searching for the ultimate lifestyle destination and it’s fun to read books about other people’s travel adventures. But what if you try and it all goes wrong? What if those horror stories people keep telling you about con men, tropical diseases and other travel disasters happen to you? What if the naysayers are right and you try it then fail then have to come back with your tail between your legs?
So of course fear of failure is a big factor in not doing it. As it guilt. I do have parents who live in the same town as me and I see them regularly. I would feel guilty about leaving and not seeing them.
Same with my kids but they are grown and living their own lives so that is to a lesser degree.
Money isn’t a factor. Not because I am wealthy. I have enough to relocate and I know I can do something to earn money. It is not wealth I am looking for. Hell, I would volunteer if it meant I had a place to stay and a bit of food. Yes, I am a serial dreamer.
If it did not work out I can always come back.
Does anyone else feel this way? Of selling everything and starting over? Has anyone actually done it?